INCIDENT REPORT
TO: DEPUTY CHIEF OF OPERATIONS, TSA
FROM: FLIGHT SECURITY TEAM, REGION 3, SECTOR 21
SUBJECT: HOLIDAY TRAVEL / POTENTIAL DISRUPTION
With this report, we are forwarding all available information about a potentially disruptive air-travel incident which occurred in our sector at or about 0730 Thursday morning. Further information will be provided as it becomes available.
Location of incident: Security Check-In Area, Concourse B, Municipal International Airport. The incident in question was triggered when passenger approached TSA agent at initial screening area and presented boarding pass and government-issued ID.
According to ID and boarding pass, passenger's name was "Tom Turkiyeh," but agent noticed identification tag on carry-on luggage gave name as "Tomas bin Gobble Gobble." Passenger refused to explain the inconsistency.
Screening agent's suspicions were further aroused by her inability to make and maintain eye contact with passenger, as well as passenger's apparent inability to speak any English.
In addition, ID photograph bore only a slight resemblance to the passenger: passenger was totally clean-shaven, while photograph portrayed someone with heavy feathers.
(Note: Agent notified her supervisor, who authorized immediate database check for "bin Gobble Gobble" against terrorist watch list. No match was discovered, and passenger was permitted to proceed to formal Screening Area, while boarding pass was red-stamped to call for heightened scrutiny.)
At formal screening area, passenger placed carry-on baggage on conveyer belt without incident. However initial "wanding" of passenger was positive for traces of sage and cardamom, which mandated more intensive inspection.
Passenger was given the option of full-body Advanced Imaging Technology scan or a rigorous pat-down. Failing to express a preference (and as a matter of reasonable prudence under the circumstances), passenger was then subjected to both procedures.
Pat-down of passenger included, per TSA instructions, both breast and thigh areas, which appeared especially "meaty" but were otherwise unremarkable.
By contrast, AIT scan raised immediate alarms. Suspicious deposits of sausage were noted in several locations, as was a liquid substance that resembled butter but whose chemical composition turned out to be entirely different. (Once again, passenger was unable to account for the presence of these items.)
Of even more concern, AIT scan indicated additional items of indeterminate identity hidden beneath the skin - under the circumstances, a highly suspicious finding.
Agents on the scene then accompanied passenger to a private room a short distance from the screening area, and hoping to "turn up the heat," informed passenger that a concern for the safety of other passengers required them to conduct an even more intensive search, including body cavities.
Hearing no objection from the passenger, the agents proceeded per regulations, and removed from inside the passenger larger quantities of sausage, as well as apples, cranberries, mushrooms, and "seasoned" breadcrumbs.
Further body-cavity inspection then produced a small paper bag, in which agents discovered, to their horror, a seemingly random assortment of body parts, including a heart, a liver, a gizzard and a neck.
Agents were unable to establish how or why the bag had been secreted there, or the specific purpose of its contents. However, following the troubling nature of the earlier discoveries, these new items were considered "gravy," and all the more reason to detain the passenger until essential facts could be established.
Several hours of even more intense questioning ensued, but still to no avail. The passenger said nothing, explained nothing, admitted to nothing.
So we ate him.
Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist.
By: Chuckles
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