24 December 2009

Tools of War: The M1225 Arctic Sleigh

The best way to hide something is to put it in plain sight, and give it a harmless, even benevolent, identity. The first true application of Area 51 alien technology, the M1225 Arctic Sleigh was funded under the guise of the much-publicized "Star Wars" space defense program of the 1980's.

Combining stealth technology, animal genetic-engineering, along with alien-sourced anti-gravity fields, inertial dampers, trans-dimensional pockets, and anti-matter propulsion systems, the M1225 is a true marvel of xeno-hybrid design.

Primary powered by a Stardust Antimatter Reactor, the M1225 is capable of speeds previously thought to be in the realm of fairy tales, necessitating the use of Inertial Dampers to enable the pilot to survive and function during such rapid acceleration and deceleration. While incredibly powerful, the Stardust Propulsion Engine is anything but stealthy, leaving a bright streak behind it and announcing its presence for miles around.

To this end, in an absolutely stunning feat of genetic modification, a team of nine genome-enhanced reindeer are harnessed as a secondary power source for stealth operations. Each reindeer produces somewhere in the area of 300,000 hp, well in excess of a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier. The fuel source for these reindeer is simple and plentiful - cow manure. However, the amounts consumed during a single hour's flight is astounding, and would not be possible without a trans-dimensional storage pocket incorporated into the M1225. As long as the bullshit is flowing, the Sleigh stays operational.

Another use of the trans-dimensional pocket technology is in the payload storage bay. Able to carry a virtually limitless amount of stores, the M1225 is literally able to put ordnance on every single structure on the planet is just one sortie. Truly, this is the flagship of the USAF's bomber fleet.

There is one drawback to the project. Only one pilot has ever been adequately trained to operate the M1225 (callsign: Santa Claus), and he has developed a vicious substance abuse problem (cookies and milk) since the inception of the program. When interventions have been attempted, he just laughs off the concerns of those who bring the matter up with a jolly "Ho Ho Ho." He is also a bit of a publicity whore, visiting shopping malls all over the nation during the annual preparations for the winter FTX. This pilot also has a disturbing penchant for having small children sit on his lap and whisper into his ear - psych evaluations are ongoing, though inconclusive at this time. However, he has remained consistently competent and capable despite these issues.

The Sleigh develops "lift" through two rail-shaped anti-gravity generators, upon which the titanium-fiber sleigh body is mounted. At this time, no air-to-air offensive capabilities have been incorporated into the design, as the performance capabilities of the M1225 preclude the need to such items. However, "Santa Claus" continues to request that a M2 .50cal machinegun be mounted to the vehicle, but his requests are repeatedly denied, as his justification on the request is listed as, "Ma-Dueces are just BAD-ASS!"

The M1225 is tested annually in an early winter field training exercise (Operation Christmas), during which the Sleigh marks civilian non-combatant households in its IFF system through the delivery of "presents". This operation takes place under the cover of darkness during a single night's flight. In a publicity coup, the NORAD track of the M1225's progress is broadcast to the world, warming the hearts of our allies and striking fear into those who would oppose us. In a word, stunning.

Merry Christmas!

By: Steve